Moments

March 9, 2020 § 6 Comments

La Push, WA., March 4th, 2020.

It’s the early morning of my birthday and I’m sitting here in our camper, tremendous waves pummeling shore thinking about our beautiful earth and what if we don’t come together because we’re too weary too separate and now the corona virus and where is the point when the sky ends and the ocean begins, and maybe I write because I can’t face death.

Yesterday, I saw an eagle carrying a tiny creature so limp so still in his talons and where is the point where destruction returns to transformation.

There is something about this place where Raven is the main character where wind spirals and I could social distance here forever in this expanse of water and sky and the deeper yes of rock everything oriented toward ocean

except the internet is spotty which wouldn’t be a problem except that I like to talk to my boys on my birthday, and there’s only one place here with good reception, in a tiny room by the main office but it’s usually filled with kids not used to being without internet, which makes me think about how I’m part of the last generation who had an entire childhood without social media, I mean, can you even imagine and how ironic that with all our relentless curating of selves we might actually be losing selves

and another thing I will remember about this year is it’s the year I dreamt the tsunami dream and how I was smashed by a massive wall of water and swam way down under the wave and wasn’t afraid I was ecstatic because I could breathe under water and I kept saying go with it don’t fight it go with it don’t fight it and it was the most present I’ve ever felt with myself except when I was very young

and after a long time I crawled up onto shore and found a house full of everyone I loved except only one person saw me, an old woman holding a baby and she said Anna right now you’re a ghost and only other ghosts will see you

and what did this mean, was I in the past or present or future tense and where is the point between erotic gaze and erasure, and none of this has happened suddenly which makes it less alarming and I seem to be forever in liminal space anyway but I’m leaning towards believing it’s a new self emerging in this sixth decade of life

and there’s something terribly rebellious and sacred and more interesting in the ambiguities so happy birthday to me and let’s take good care of each other and remember to always wash our own hands before touching others.

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